Animal Rights

Objection Your Honor, the Cat is an Animal. Mjauuuu is simply not good enough. Seriously! Get that cat out of hear! I don't care if the DNA is all over the tunafish. The fish is dead. He died of an overdose of water. There is nothing criminal here. The cat is innocent!


And Then And Then And Then...

I stopped listening 6 years ago... I put cheese in my ears when you talk. And when I run out of cheese I put spaghetti in with Mozzarella cheese and a little touch of gravy to see if you notice I'm not mentally there.

There's More To Earth Than Space!

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Turtles Could Fly If There Was Oceans In The Sky

But there isn't so it can only swim. 

Do You Have Weird Time?

I recommend it. It's so much better than quality time.


Thats Offensive!

So...


I absolutely agree!


...What is there to argue?

Gay Olympics

It's about time... The Greeks where not retarded and certainly not hetero.

There's a Fart in Everyone

Mmmm mmm mm m mmm... 16 times a day... mmm mmm mm the airholes is letting out 1 120 000 000 farts a day. Forget CO2 emissions. It's the gas bro. The green movement is only a distraction. We humans are so full of shit we don't need diesel cars to heat up the Universe. We are heaters! We hold 37 degrees celcius. Thats 7 billion heaters warming up our globe. And as if that wasn't enough, we farting out 37 degree hot farts into the atmosphere. Hot farts are bringing down this planet. Take it from the man in blond. We know shit.


The Number of People in My Toilet is Worrying

I can't remember leaving myself in the toilet. I left parts of me, that where flushed into the ocean, via the most spectacular pipe system in the world (take a not smokers. Don't be a smoker, be a chain smoker).

But that should not be there anymore. Who is this shit in my toilet? Is it more than one peace of shit. Did somebody forget to flush? Is it the hobo from the shopping centre? Did the security guard drag him all the way out here?


Ah, damn, I forget, I'm an Uber toilette. With the house prices there days... There's shit loads of cash to make on shit.

Notorious Master of Earth

Yeah, pardon my shyness. Being all-time master of time and Universe can get a little too much for everyday Joe. So I tone it down to Notorious Master of Earth.

-Give me a cup of coffee.

I never ask, I take. It's mine.

-I don't pay for me. You should be happy I don't slave you.

God, baristas are so stupid. 

$250 Million Toothpick

Give it to me now. Forget dental. Give me that toothpick. It will change my life. It will make me the biggest not able to pay my loan in history. So much so that the banks has to bail in. Revenge motherfuckers!!!!!!!!

And Now A Word From My Sponsor

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You will make more money. Yes, your salary will triple and you will get a new car. You will get a so much better everything. All you have to do is buy Soup Fantastic. Available in store everywhere.

Now, back to me, ... eh... I didn't actually have anything on my mind. ... ... ....


What?!

I have big me. I have huge me fingers. I have me big soyo. Yo so big! Yes, me big. Me big fingers!

I'm learning Chinese, it's so easy. Yo so tall.

Mm me big money.

I learned Russian yesterday. Me, connected. Pang, pang, duck. Run, yo so fast. Mm, me impressive.

The day before yesterday I learned nothing. I was going to learn Japanese, but I could already speak it. Turned out I had seen a Manga, just the cover, but it was enough.

Tomorrow I'm learning to fly airplane and ride coyotes standing up side down on my head meditating.

The things one can do when you believe in yourself. Well, I believe in me, so it only works for me. We all know there's a certain level of skill involved like learning ability and smart balls.

I have long feet.


Why Do We Read And Who Am I?

I believe Einstein said, "dough, me no Han Solo" or was it "He who saw the mountain and climbed a monkey shall do no donkey".

Either way, we read cause I read and she reads and he reads and they reads and its a lot of reading, maybe its to escape talking. If an author had to talk to his readers he would be pretty much done after the first tale. I don't se him doing that 2 million times. And I don't see her doing that either. Since monkey can't speak. Rest their case.

I think writers spare us from a lot of verbal diarrhoea. Spew it out on a peace of paper or a sheet of toilet paper. Number one makes you money, number to recycles it back into the world so it can be puked out on a peace of paper by someone else.

I think Im writing world literature here. Here is my address for the Nobel Prize:

Top Blond
Sweden

I take check, cash, dirty money.

I don't mind proper payment, I'm just keeping a realistic view on life in general. Its healthy says my "doctor" when I pay for my self-medication.

I would like to use this opportunity to thank my parents, without them I would actually have to write something myself to win this award. I would also like to thank IKEA, I don't know why, maybe because they make it possible for people to live cheap and pursuit their dreams to become writers, but then again, thats competition and I'm loaded so, publicly I'd like to thank them, but privately I hope they burn in hell. Not with anyone inside the buildings off course. I need readers. Maybe IKEA can sell my books. Off course they can. Call me. The number is in my ass.